LOL METS

BAHAHAHAH

As of this writing, these stats are accurate:

Ranks 1st in AL in BA
Ranks 1st in AL in RBI
Ranks 3rd in AL in SLG
Ranks 1st in AL in HR
Ranks 1st in AL in R
Ranks 5th in AL in OBP
Ranks 3rd in AL in OPS

Who is this, you ask? You’ll be surprised…


Kenny Williams is a GM known for his aggressive, wheelin’ and dealin’ style. People scoffed at him for trading Carlos Lee to the Brewers for Scott Podsednik. Those doubters were proved wrong when Podsednik became an ALL-STAR. Podsednik’s first half of 2005 proved all of the nay-sayers wrong. Never mind what he has done since then. None of that matters. He was a major factor in the White Sox winning a World Series. He hit a game winning World Series home run off of Brad Lidge. He truly helped the White Sox win a championship in 2005, even if his hamstring went MIA in July of 2005 and has not been seen since.

More importantly, he is a former ALL-STAR, just like Mark Redman. Would you speak negatively of Mark Redman? I didn’t think so.

So in the vein of Scott Podsednik, K-Dub went out on another limb this off-season when he signed Darin Erstad, who is rumored to have a belly full of guts. He’s no David Eckstein; After all, Eckstein was selected to the Jewish All-American Team, despite not actually being a Jew. I mean, how can you compete with that? That’s like Jose Contreras being elected as a Congressman.

But back to Erstad. He’s maligned in many MLB circles as being yet another one of the terribly common, hard-nosed, gritty, scrappy, etc. players that lack actual talent. I mean, that’s what grit means. It means you aren’t good. When was the last time you heard a quality player called “spunky” or “full of fire”? Never. That’s when. If you’re on the team because you provide a “veteran presence” or you just “know how to play the game” it means your manager is an idiot. Go ahead, ask Joe Torre about Bubba Crosby.

So where am I going with all of this? Well today, Opening Day of the White Sox 2007 season, Erstad proved something. Let me set the scene for you:

It’s the bottom of the first. Darin’s team is trailing 5-0. Pablo “I make Manny Ramirez look like Willie Mays” Ozuna is on second base. It’s do or die. Now or never.

C.C. Sabathia stares him down, possibly thinking about eating him. Erstad stares back, with his cold, elvish eyes.

CRACK

That is the sound Sabathia’s fastball makes on Erstad’s bat right before it is launched into the stands.

WHAT THE FUCK

That is the sound coming from the mouthes of all 38,000+ fans at The Cell this afternoon.

But not the mouth of Kenny Williams. Oh no. He knew. He knew all along. He leans back in the chair in his luxury suite, and smiles. Darin Erstad is the new Scott Podsednik.

Bobby is confused

What the hell is this?

Where the hell is Justice? Why is my right fielder swinging at pitches when he's in the batter's box? Damn, he's a free swinger. And an idiot.

Wait a damn second. Who is this idiot sitting next to me on the bench? Why isn't he rocking back and forth like Rainman? Bring back Rainman Pitching Coach. This guy is trying to light my foot on fire! Watch it jackass, if I hit my wife there's no telling what I'll do to you.

Oh flaming Christ. That's not Mark Lemke out at second base. That looks like some dumb outfielder. At least we still have a Mexican dude at short. Belliard was a Mexican, right? Same thing.

Shit. This team is doomed. Our first baseman is definitely NOT Sid Bream, and our rotation is 4/5 suck, 1/5 Smoltz. That's not gonna work. Who put this team together? Where is suspenders GM? Wait, you mean suspenders GM still works here? He's responsible for this mess?

Oh man, at least my bullpen is good. Sort of. On paper, anyway. These guys are no Alejandro Pena, I'll tell you that much. Now if I could just fucking remember if that was good or bad.

Wait a minute, we don't have a goddamn pennant from last season up on the wall. What is that shit? I came to the park in October last year and you're telling me I didn't have to?

This is bullshit, I'm gonna go get ejected and drink in my office.